INTRODUCTION
Congratulations! You and your fiance are about to prepare a wedding and enter upon the vocation of marriage and family life. We are very happy that you are planning to celebrate your wedding in our parish and look forward to celebrating it with you. This booklet will explain the various options and requirements for celebrating a wedding in our church.
The wedding guidelines and policies of St. Thomas Aquinas Parish reflect the Sacramental reality of the Covenant of Marriage and the Liturgy of the Roman Rite. These, in turn, are rooted in the teaching of the Word of God on the sacrament of Matrimony, as rightly held by the Catholic Church and proclaimed by our Bishops in union with our Holy Father, Pope Benedict XVI.
It is important that Catholics, who are seeking to be married in the Church and especially those entering sacramental marriages, practice their faith. Practicing our Christian faith includes for a Catholic: regular participation in Sunday Mass, regular reception of Holy Communion and celebration of the sacrament of Penance, daily prayer and charity towards neighbor, and sharing our faith and practice with our children and others.
SCHEDULING YOUR WEDDING
Scheduling a wedding will be done only after an initial in-person meeting with a priest or deacon assigned to St. Thomas Aquinas Parish. This meeting must occur at least four months before the expected date of the wedding. This four-month minimum period of preparation allows time for several things: for you as a couple to continue to deepen your relationship, to explore the Catholic theology of the sacrament of Matrimony, to attend a marriage preparation program, to gather necessary documents, and to plan your wedding.
Many couples request their wedding at St. Thomas Aquinas Parish. Often, more requests are received for a particular date than can be scheduled. Dates and times are given on a "first-come" basis after the initial interview with a priest or deacon.
Time of the Wedding
Weddings are usually celebrated at St. Thomas Aquinas Parish at 10:30am, 1:00pm, and 7:00pm on Saturdays. Friday evenings may be scheduled. The preferred time is 7:00pm for a Friday wedding. No weddings are held on Sunday.
The Priest for Your Wedding
Normally a priest/deacon assigned to the parish is the celebrant for the wedding. Only with the permission of the pastor may other validly delegated priests or deacons celebrate your wedding, and the must observe the guidelines listed below.
MARRIAGE PREPARATION
Pre-Nuptial Questionnaire
Before every wedding, a questionnaire is completed and signed by the bride and groom. The priest/deacon preparing your wedding will assist you and sign as a witness to your answers. This questionnaire becomes part of the permanent record of your marriage kept at the parish office. This testifies to your understanding of marriage and your freedom to enter into it.
Sacramental Records
The parish of your baptism records the subsequent reception of all other sacraments. Notice will be sent following your wedding to your parish of baptism where your marriage will be recorded in your baptismal record. A permanent record of your wedding, including all documents, also will be kept at St. Thomas Aquinas. Every baptized person is asked to bring a copy of their baptism certificate to the initial interview with the priest/deacon or at least to know for certain where (church and town) they were baptized.
It is most desirable that a Catholic be confirmed before marriage, however, it is not strictly required.
The Pre-Marriage Counseling
In our parish, we are blessed to have many couples who serve as pre-marriage sponsor couples. They volunteer many hours a year to this ministry because they have discovered the importance of having Jesus Christ in their marriage and wish to share that with you.
You will meet seven times with the couple. (Normally the meetings are one-on-one, but occasionally several couples are grouped together.) During these meetings you will discuss the teaching of the Church and the Bible on marriage, and those virtues and skills needed for a successful Christian marriage. The first meeting is an introduction to Natural Family Planning.
You will arrange the times for these meetings directly with your sponsor couple. Please remember that these sponsor couples freely give of their precious time for this ministry: don't e late and, if you have to reschedule, call them as soon as possible.
Marriage License
Prior to your wedding you must obtain a New Mexico Marriage License from the office of the County Clerk. Please bring the License to the rehearsal.
The Director of Liturgy
Please consult the Director of Liturgy at the parish office about the preparation of your wedding ceremony as soon as the date of the wedding has been scheduled into the parish calendar. This person will assist you especially with the selection of music in accord with the law of the Church for weddings, in the preparation of the wedding program, and other details of the wedding ceremony as needed. All music, including instrumental music, must be approved by the Director of Liturgy before final plans are made.
Fees:
The Church
The parish has no fees for weddings. Your weekly sacrificial giving of the tithe is what enables the parish to celebrate your wedding.
The Celebrant
As stated above, the parish charges no fees for the wedding. It is customary and appreciated (but no required) to give an offering to the priest or deacon who celebrates the wedding.
Organist/Musicians/Cantor
The fee for the parish organist (who also sings) is $175.00. This covers the ceremony, music planning, further consultation, rehearsal with musicians, the cost of music, etc. The organist fee is paid to the organist at the time of the rehearsal.
The fees for cantors and other musicians is typically $75.00 and up. Please discuss their fees and policies with all musicians when you book them for your wedding. If you are providing your own musicians, they must meet with and receive approval from the Director of Liturgy/Music. Also, their fees should be paid directly to them, in accord with their contracts.
Musicians customarily do not take part in rehearsals.
A WEDDING IS A TIME OF WORSHIP
A Catholic wedding is a celebration not only for the bride and groom and their invited guests but is a public liturgy for the entire Church. We believe the Church is the People of God, the Body of Christ and the Bride of Christ. A wedding in the Church is a liturgical occasion, a time of public worship.
Music
Music for the wedding liturgy, including the prelude and the postlude, is to assist and encourage prayer and praise to God and to cover the ritual action. The music should express not only the faith and love of the couple but also the common faith and life of the whole Church.
Sung prayer is an essential element in all Catholic liturgies. For this reason an experienced organist and cantor should lead the liturgical music, especially if your wedding will be celebrated at Mass. Experienced organists and cantors are those who regularly lead music for Catholic worship. This will only enhance the music at your wedding and assure that all music is performed well. if you wish to have a friend or a relative who is not a trained musician take part at your wedding, that person may sing or plan an approved selection.
In addition to the organist and cantor, you may employ other musicians for the occasion. Extra singers, the parish choir, string instruments, brass instruments, and contemporary ensembles (guitar, percussion, piano) can enhance the beauty of worship. You alone decide what meets your particular preference and budget. You select and employ musicians for your wedding liturgy. When doing so, please be mindful that they all have their own policies and fees. These should be discussed with them at the time of booking. It is important to note that the Director of Liturgy is not responsible for musicians who fail to perform agreements made with the couple.
Musicians you employ must clearly understand the role of music in worship. The norm in the Roman Catholic Mass is participatory music, the majority of which should be sung by the entire congregation.
Because liturgical music serves to assist in prayer and praise to God, popular love songs belong appropriately at a reception rather than in the wedding liturgy. Even some classical pieces are not appropriate for worship. Sacred music, taken from the religious traditions to which the bride and groom belong, is alone suitable for your Church wedding. The Director of Liturgy will assist with the planning and approve the music for your wedding.
The Marriage Rite
You will be provided a separate booklet, Marriage is For Keeps, from which you may choose the readings, prayers, and blessings that will be used during your wedding. The priest/deacon may help you with this.
Rehearsal
A rehearsal date and time will be given to you when your wedding date and time are confirmed. Please make it a priority to be on time for both the rehearsal and your wedding. The wedding party should observe proper decorum during rehearsal and the ceremony. No chewing of gum, eating or drinking should occur in the church. The consumption of alcohol around or in the church at the time of the rehearsal or of the wedding is strictly forbidden and may result in a postponement of the ceremony or its cancellation. Musicians customarily do not take part in the rehearsal.
Photography and Other Recording
There should be only one photographer and one videographer during the wedding.
You must make several choices about the recording of your wedding in picture and sound. It is important to consider your guests and the schedule of other events at the church when setting your schedule for photographs. There is also the timing of your reception or celebrations to consider. This becomes especially important if there is another wedding following yours. Confessions are always scheduled at 3:00pm every Saturday. The church must be completely cleared and available to the penitents no later than 3:00pm.
You may want to take most or all of your formal photos at the church before the ceremony. If not, it may be necessary to seriously limit the number of photos at church after the ceremony.
Giving a kind but firm reminder to the photographer to respect the sacred space would be helpful. Even more helpful is to limit the number and kind of pictures taken in the church. You may want to consider having formal family and wedding party photos posed elsewhere.
Note: Absolutely no photos or videos are to be taken behind the altar or within the sanctuary (the platform upon which the Altar sits).
Flash photography may be taken of the procession but many not be taken during the wedding. To minimize distractions once the ceremony begins, the photographer should remain stationary as much as possible, using the outside aisles for movement.
The wedding may be videotaped. Videographers must be stationary during the wedding and may not come up to or enter the sanctuary. The sacristan conduction your rehearsal will show the videographer the places from which video may be taken. Sound recordings may be made but not taken from the sanctuary.
Ministers of the Wedding Liturgy
The chief ministers at every wedding are the bridge and groom who marry each other by their exchange of vows. Other ministers assist in the celebration of the marriage liturgy.
The Celebrant
The priest or deacon, by the sacrament of Holy Orders, is the representative of Jesus Christ at the wedding. In His name the clergyman witnesses and blesses the marriage and celebrates the Liturgy. Other ministers, whether Catholic or not, may also share with the presiding priest/deacon but must do so according to proper norms.
Musicians Please see above.
Lector(s)
A lector proclaims the Word of God and the intercessions during the liturgy. One or two persons who are able to read well in public may be chosen. Mature individuals who give evidence of lived faith should be given priority. The couple should provide the lector(s) with the readings from Sacred Scripture and the intercessions. They should be given an opportunity prior to the wedding to practice reading with the church's sound system.
Extraordinary Ministers of Holy Communion
It is very rare that Extraordinary Ministers of Holy Communion are needed at a wedding, but if you anticipate a large number of practicing Catholics at the wedding, an Extraordinary Minister may assist the Ordinary Ministers. This person must have received the mandate from the Archbishop and be currently installed in his/her parish as an Extraordinary Minister of Holy Communion.
Servers
Two altar servers usually are needed for a wedding with the Mass. Friends or relatives fulfilling this ministry should be experienced servers. The parish will supply servers if you wish. It is customary to give an offering ($5 up) to each server.
Ushers
Ushers cordially greet guests at the door, hand them a worship program, if used, and can assist them with find a seat in the church. Appropriately for a wedding these may be couples or single friends and relatives Another option is for you, the wedding couple, to greet the guests before the celebration. Ushers assist in seating those attending the wedding and should be encouraged to seat all persons as close to the sanctuary as possible so that large gaps in seating do not occur between the wedding party and the rest of the congregation.
Gift Bearers
If you are having a Mass, you may wish to choose two individuals to bring up the gifts at the appropriate time. The gift table is placed in the center of the church.
Liturgical Art and Decoration
Environment for the wedding liturgy should reflect simplicity and gracefulness. Emphasis should be on persons and their actions during the rite. Appropriate places for special decoration include the pulpit, the altar, the tabernacle, and the seating for the bride and the groom. Sacred articles, flowers, plants and other liturgical decorations corresponding to liturgical season (e.g. poinsettias or Easter lillies, a cross, a manger, etc.) may already be in the church. Normally these may not be moved. The decorations for your wedding must blend with them. All decorations must fit the noble simplicity of the sanctuary and the liturgy. If you have any questions please speak to the Director of Liturgy or to the priest/deacon preparing your wedding.
Flowers
No flowers may be placed directly upon the altar used for Mass. Free-standing flowers and/or plants may be placed next to the pulpit and/or the altar, or in vases upon the steps of the reredos (the high area on either side of the tabernacle which is directly behind the altar).
Pew Decorations
Pew bows may be used but must be removed by the party following the wedding ceremony. They can be fastened by plastic clips or the material from which the bows are constructed. No tape, thumb tacks, or nails of any kind are allowed.
Candles
Only those candles used for liturgy and presently in the church may be used. No other candles or candelabra may be added either in the aisles or in the sanctuary. Candles may not be placed on the pews or in the aisles. The use of unity candles is addressed later under "Devotional Actions".
Aisle Runners
The aisles of the church are carpeted and regularly cleaned. Aisle runners are superfluous and best avoided altogether because they can present a serious safety hazard.
Rise, Confetti, Bird Seed and other Debris
Parish policy prohibits throwing confetti, rice, and bird seed inside the church or on the church grounds. Balloons or soap bubbles may be used outside the church only. We ask that if you use balloons, soap bubbles, flower boxes, an aisle runner, pew bows, flower petals, etc., that an usher or family member will help remove them from the church and other areas used by the wedding party. There is a large garbage receptacle on the west side of the Religious Education Building behind (north of) the church.
Clean-up
The church must be cleared 1 hour and 45 minutes from the scheduled start of your wedding so that is can be cleaned before Mass and other scheduled events. Clear times are 12:15pm. for a 10:30am wedding, 2:45 for a 1:00pm wedding, and 8:45pm for a 7:00pm wedding.
Other Customs
The Guest Book and Reception Line
Custom and time constraints require that both the guest book and formal reception line should not take place in church, but rather be reserved for the wedding reception. It is not acceptable for the couple to return to the church after the recessional to greet guests and usher people out.
Devotional Actions
Although not an official part of the Liturgy, it is an almost universal custom for the Catholic bride (and groom) to present flowers to the Blessed Virgin before the last blessing. We highly encourage this beautiful custom.
Among Hispanics, the use of the "lasso" (double Rosary) and the "arras" (the thirteen coins that are a vestige of the dowry) are common. These things are provided by the couple.
The lighting of the unity candle is a commercial promotion that is appealing to some couples. This action is not part of the Liturgy. However, you may provide and light a unity candle during your wedding liturgy. If used, it is placed in a special stand that the parish provides. It is never placed directly on the altar because the altar is a sacred furnishing reserved for the sacrifice of the Mass. You must provide the candles.
Wedding Attendants
It is required that only two witnesses attest to your marriage. Personal attendants and bridesmaids are asked to refrain from any actions during the liturgy, such as straightening the bride's gown that would distract from an atmosphere of prayer. Only actions necessary to prevent accident or serious inconveniences are necessary. Attendants are seated in the first pews of the church. If small children are involved, they are expected to attend the ceremony in full.
Attire
Out of reverence and respect to God and others, we ask that all those involved in the marriage ceremony should be dressed modestly. If women in the wedding party wear low-cut or strapless dress, they should wear shawls while in church.
Worship Program
Many couples choose to prepare a simple worship program or booklet for the wedding liturgy. The booklet has several practical purposes: to provide an order of service for the liturgy, especially helpful to those unfamiliar with the basic structure of Catholic worship; to provide the textual references for the readings, as well as simple directions for participation; to provide properly copyrighted music for the song of the congregation, and to identify the ministers and members of the wedding party. Several formats are possible. The Director of Liturgy will consult with you and approve the program before it is printed.
SPECIAL CIRCUMSTANCES
We realize that there are some special circumstances that require special attention. Below we try to answer some questions you may have about them.
My fiance is not Catholic.
A marriage between a Catholic and another Christian of a different Church or even a non-Christian person is commonly called a "mixed marriage". Mixed marriages have become far more common in recent times, and the Church wants to help these couple face the special challenges that these couples will face.
It is not necessary for your fiance to convert to be married in the Catholic Church.
Before the marriage can take place, we ask the Archbishop to give his permission for you to marry a non-Catholic. (This is called a "dispensation.") The Archbishop always grants this permission provided that the Catholic promises to remain loyal to Jesus Christ and the Catholic Church, and to share their Catholic Faith with their children by having them baptized and reared as Catholics. This non-Catholic partner does not have to make any promises, but they do need to be aware of the promise the Catholic is making.
When a Catholic marries another Christian, it is allowed to celebrate the Mass at the wedding. However, remember that because of the unfortunate divisions among Christians concerning belief in the Real Presence of our Lord in the Eucharist, we are not able to invite non-Catholics to Communion. Since we want to emphasize the things that unite Christians at a mixed wedding, not the things that divide the, everyone may feel more comfortable with the wedding liturgy without a Mass. It would still be a very beautiful, solemn celebration. The situation for each couple is different; please discuss it with the priest.
When a Catholic marries someone who is not a baptized Christian, the wedding always takes place outside of Mass.
We are happy to have the minister of the non-Catholic partner take part in the wedding. For a serious reason, the priest can go to a non-Catholic house of worship to celebrate the wedding, and for a grave reason, the Archbishop can excuse you completely from the obligation of being married by a Catholic priest. We will help you any way we can if there are extraordinary circumstances!
To get married in the Church, do we have to have a "big" wedding?
No, not at all. In fact, there are several cases where it is proper to have a simple, as opposed to solemn, celebration.
It is a shame that weddings, and everything surrounding them, have become so expensive. Even in the most solemn celebration, we encourage noble simplicity. The beauty of any wedding is in the couple getting married!
A "solemn" wedding is your classic church wedding - attendants, flowers, music, etc.
A "simple" wedding includes just the two witnesses, without bridesmaids and groomsmen, flowers, music, procession, and so forth. It is quite simple in nature, yet still a very prayerful, dignified, and beautiful celebration. Any couple may have a simple wedding. For those having a validation, and for most cohabitating couples (please see below), it is the normal way of receiving the sacrament.
Can we be married outside a church building?
Because marriage is a sacrament, it is always performed in God's House except for the most exceptional of circumstances (like danger of death!). To go to His House is to acknowledge that marriage is His gift to you. There are many beautiful places in the world, but none as beautiful as where Jesus is present in the Blessed Sacrament.
Can we be married during Lent?
Yes, but because Lent is a time of fasting and penance, only a wedding celebrated in a simple way would be allowed. Feasting and dancing are not appropriate during Lent. So, if you want to have a solemn wedding, no, you can't have it during Lent.
I am only married by the law. How can I be married in the Church?
We are very happy to help you. As we know, marriage is, for Christians, a sacrament. Because of this, we Catholics must be married by a Catholic clergyman. Catholics married by a judge or non-Catholic minister would not receive a valid sacrament. When a Catholic in a mere civil union wishes to receive the sacrament, it is called a "validation" - that is, making the sacrament valid.
Normally this is very simple. First you meet with the priest or deacon to do the paperwork.
The pre-marriage preparation will vary with each couple. For those civilly married five years or less, we normally ask that they do the whole pre-marriage counseling. Couples married for a longer time may have a shorter preparation. Those who are elderly or in ill health may be excused from it altogether.
Some people think that to be married in the church they must have a solemn wedding, and therefore do not want to receive the sacrament, for they are ashamed to let people know that they are not married already in God's eyes. Of course this is not true: in fact, inasmuch as you have been living publicly as husband and wife, a simple wedding is more fitting. To make matters worse, we are told by many couples that they are married by the law until they save money "to have a Church wedding" - that is, a solemn wedding with big receptions, etc. This is really wrong for a Christian - to live in sin in able to have a "show" on the occasion of the sacrament. Such people do not understand what Christianity, or the Sacrament of Matrimony, is all about.
You do not need to obtain another marriage license. We will need two witnesses, but they do not have to be the same ones you had at your civil marriage. The banns are not published in the bulleting, and the wedding can be as private as you wish.
If your spouse absolutely refuses to be married by the priest, please talk to us. For the good of the faith of the person who wants to be a practicing Catholic, we can ask the Archbishop to retroactively excuse you from the obligation of being married by the priest, and so receive the sacrament.
My fiance and I are living together ("cohabitating;" "shaking up"). Can we get married in the Church?
First of all, we are really glad that you want to get married, and yes, you can, and should get married in the church -but there are some serious, special considerations.
With all respect, we must remember that the Bible clearly teachers that pre-marital sex (fornication) is a mortal sin. While this is a struggle for all couples before marriage, the couple that chooses to live together is giving up the struggle for purity completely and is living publicly in a way forbidden to us by Christ our Lord. This couple
Yes, lots of people are doing it, but that does not make it right. Christians are supposed to be different from everyone else. We don't obey the world - we obey Christ.
To make matters worse, we are told by many couples that they are living together until they save money "to have a wedding" - that is, a big solemn wedding with big receptions, etc. This is really wrong for a Christian - to live in sin in order to have a "show" on the occasion of the sacrament. Such people do not understand what Christianity, or the sacrament of Matrimony, is all about.
For this reason, a couple that is cohabitating may only marry in a simple way, as described above. Indeed, if such a couple already has children, it would be foolish to waste money on a big wedding that should be spent on the family.
The only exception to this is if a couple would solemnly promise the priest that they will go at once to confession and separate, or, if that is impossible, to live as brother and sister. This should be discussed with the priest/deacon preparing the couple.
I (or my fiance) have been married before and am now divorced. Can we get married by the Church?
First, God bless you for wanting to get married in the Church. We will do all that we can to help you.
The marriage law of the Church is admittedly very complicated. Please come and talk to the priest/deacon about your situation. Some can be taken care of very easily. Some may require that we see if a previous marriage can be declared null (an annulment). Please do not listen to things that uninformed people may be telling you - talk to the clergy!
Please realize that any situation with a prior marriage will have to be taken care of according to the law of the Church before we can set a date and begin preparations for the wedding. We will do all that we can, within the law of Christ and His Church, to help you!
We ask God's blessing as you prepare your Wedding and for your life together. May God, who is love, seal and strengthen your love and your commitment to one another.